So much has happened since my last post and for those of you who are reading my blog, I will make much more of an effort to post regular updates.
S and I had a 3D ultrasound done and we found out it’s a girl :) We’ve registered at Babiesrus and, ordered and put together her furniture. S painted her room last weekend and has been fussing over all the stuff family and friends have been giving us for her. I tell you, our little girl has her Dad wrapped around her pinky finger already...he is in deep trouble when she’s born :)
S and I finally chose a name. We struggled with this so much and I’m relieved we agreed on something. Our daughter’s name Isla...I love the way it sounds! And now the battle for her middle name begins...
My shower is on January 2/11. I’ll be pushing 37 weeks by then and I know I’m cutting it close but we’ve had some recent family deaths and I didn’t feel right having a shower in the midst of grief and sadness. Fingers crossed that my daughter and I will make it to her party.
Isla is moving around much more now and dancing up a storm in my belly. I love the movements she makes when I’m waking up in the morning...feeling her move makes me feel like she is waking up with me. I feel like I’m bonding more and more with her every day. I love my little Isla so much already and can’t wait to meet her!
And speaking of my belly, I finally popped at about 28 weeks. I actually look pregnant and not just fat. I will post belly pics as soon as I can.
Work continues to stress me out but hey, I’ve only got 4 more weeks left and then hello maternity leave! I’m so grateful that we get a full year of maternity leave in Canada. I have no intentions of returning to my job when my year is up and a year off of work will give me lots of time to think about what direction I want my career to take.
And in a nutshell, that’s what’s been going on with me.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Latest OB appointment
Well, I'm almost 26 weeks along in my pregnancy. I did the glucose test and will get the results soon. My OB says she is very happy with my weight gain (I'm up 10 pds but keep in mind I started this pregnancy off about 30 pds overweight) but said my belly was a little bit big; she was not concerned about it and told me not to be concerned either. Um, does she know she who's talking to??? I called my sister, who was able to calm my fears about what my OB could have meant and felt a lot better. Either I'm carrying a big baby or I'm farther along that we thought.
In other news, work continues to be both a nuisance and a welcome distraction. A nuisance because a few people on my team really need to move on; some have been there too long and are showing clear signs of burnout. Another one constantly calls in sick, which is bullshit because according to her Facebook updates, she is clearly not sick on the days she says she is. Maybe she is simply allergic to work. Despite this, work is a welcome distraction; although I'm ready to be at home and getting things ready for the baby, I'm happy to be working as it keeps me busy. I suspect with hours of time on my hands, the small nagging fears of loss will overwhelm me.
A very good friend of mine and I will be taking baking classes at Michael's. We are so excited!! In a previous class, we learned how to frost a cake and make fancy cake designs. I still have not mastered the art of frosting but I'm working on it. Perhaps I'll have it perfected in time for my baby's first birthday :)
In other news, work continues to be both a nuisance and a welcome distraction. A nuisance because a few people on my team really need to move on; some have been there too long and are showing clear signs of burnout. Another one constantly calls in sick, which is bullshit because according to her Facebook updates, she is clearly not sick on the days she says she is. Maybe she is simply allergic to work. Despite this, work is a welcome distraction; although I'm ready to be at home and getting things ready for the baby, I'm happy to be working as it keeps me busy. I suspect with hours of time on my hands, the small nagging fears of loss will overwhelm me.
A very good friend of mine and I will be taking baking classes at Michael's. We are so excited!! In a previous class, we learned how to frost a cake and make fancy cake designs. I still have not mastered the art of frosting but I'm working on it. Perhaps I'll have it perfected in time for my baby's first birthday :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Hmmm, I think I feel movement...
I'm 23 weeks pregnant today and I think I am finally feeling flutters...FINALLY!! A lot of pregnant women I know felt flutters and/or movement at around 18 - 20 weeks. At 18 weeks, I felt nothing. At 19 weeks, I felt nothing. At 20 weeks, I felt nothing. With my history of loss, I was extremely concerned that I had yet another missed miscarriage. I saw my OB, who found the baby's heartbeat right away and assured me all was well with my pregnancy. I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
For almost a week, I've been feeling little flutters of movement. They feel amazing and wonderous. These little flutters remind me my baby is alive and well. How I love flutters :)
For almost a week, I've been feeling little flutters of movement. They feel amazing and wonderous. These little flutters remind me my baby is alive and well. How I love flutters :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Back from Vacation
S and I are back from the lovely island of St. Maarten. The weather was hot and sunny. The beaches were fantastic, turquoise water as far as you can see. It was wonderful to spend some time with S, just him and me, resting and recharging. We've spent this week at home, looking after a few home projects.
So, you would think after two weeks of vacation, I'd be ready to go back to work. Wrong! While I enjoy my work, the dynamics on my team are bizarre, conflicted and confusing, making for a toxic environment. Of course, leaving is not an option because I'm pregnant so, I have been creative about making myself scarce. The good news is, the light at the end of the tunnel is near. My last day of work is December 31st, I'm using the balance of my vacation time starting next January and I start my maternity leave on January 17/11. So, all I have to do is make it to the end of this year.
In other news, I had an OB appointment yesterday. All is looking good with the baby :) I am still in shock that I've even gotten this far in a pregnancy. While enjoying the wonderful beaches of St. Maarten, I thought about the incredibly difficult struggle that is infertility, the deep impact it had (and will always have) on me and S and, the way in which infertility significantly tested the bonds my marriage. No one should have to go through infertility or miscarriage; the trauma is indescribable. Yet, here I am, almost 22 weeks pregnant, just over half way through to being a success after infertility. I tell you, it has been a crazy-making journey but here's to emerging on the other side with my sanity intact and with the best reward ever...a happy, healthy baby!
So, you would think after two weeks of vacation, I'd be ready to go back to work. Wrong! While I enjoy my work, the dynamics on my team are bizarre, conflicted and confusing, making for a toxic environment. Of course, leaving is not an option because I'm pregnant so, I have been creative about making myself scarce. The good news is, the light at the end of the tunnel is near. My last day of work is December 31st, I'm using the balance of my vacation time starting next January and I start my maternity leave on January 17/11. So, all I have to do is make it to the end of this year.
In other news, I had an OB appointment yesterday. All is looking good with the baby :) I am still in shock that I've even gotten this far in a pregnancy. While enjoying the wonderful beaches of St. Maarten, I thought about the incredibly difficult struggle that is infertility, the deep impact it had (and will always have) on me and S and, the way in which infertility significantly tested the bonds my marriage. No one should have to go through infertility or miscarriage; the trauma is indescribable. Yet, here I am, almost 22 weeks pregnant, just over half way through to being a success after infertility. I tell you, it has been a crazy-making journey but here's to emerging on the other side with my sanity intact and with the best reward ever...a happy, healthy baby!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
An apology and long update
Readers, I owe you a sincere apology. I have not updated my blog in months and yes, I've been a bad blogger. So far, the summer has been extremely eventful and full of surprises. And with that, here is my update.
I finally graduated with my degree in social work...YAY!!! As I was doing this program part-time, it took me a long time to get to the end of the road. So relieved to be finished! I got a letter from my university, congratulating me on making the dean's list; it was wonderful to get such great news. I'm applying to do my master's but certainly need a break from school for now.
In other news, S and I booked a trip to St. Maarten! We are leaving for a week on September 3rd. I can't wait warm my toes in the sand and run around on the beach! A vacation is just what we need and we are definitely excited.
My niece and nephew are getting to big! My niece, Savanna, is crawling now and she is so fast! She is doing a great job of using the couch to pull herself up and can take about 3 or 4 steps before landing on her tush :) She is so amazing. My nephew, Ian, is only 2 months old and growing up so fast. He discovers new things every day and seems amazed by the world around him. I'm having issues with them growing up so quickly...gah!
As you know, S and I decided to move on from TTC. Here is a brief recap of my infertility struggle. S and I have been TTC #1 since September 2005. We tried on our own for a year, which resulted in 3 heartbreaking losses. We started seeing a RE in January 2007. A lap in December 2008 revealed endo. By July 2009, I experienced 4 more devastating losses; clomid, injectables, blood thinners and tons of testing couldn't make my body carry a pregnancy to term. After back-to-back losses last year, S and I took a break for the rest of the year to recuperate and save for IVF w/ PGD. We decided to do one IVF only because we didn't think we could go on for much longer. Living in the trenches of infertility is hell on earth and we were nearing our breaking point.
In March 2010, we cycled for IVF and started to feel excited, even hopeful. We were devastated when the cycle ended in a BFN. At our WTF appointment, my RE said our issues are two-fold, (1) I have poor egg quality and, (2) my body's ability to detect abnormalities is compromised (which is why my body allows pregnancies to happen with bad eggs) so, each time I get pregnant, it ends in loss. This was his best educated guess as to why I keep having recurrent losses. His suggestion was DE. Emotionally exhausted, physically drained and hanging onto a few shreds of sanity, S and I made the choice to stop TTC and live childfree. Suffering from the battle scars of 4 1/2 years of infertility and miscarriage, we were ready to pursue new adventures in life. And of course that is when fate (or whatever) chose to play with us.
When AF was late the cycle right after our disastrous IVF cycle, I nervously tested and honestly, that had to be the longest 3 minutes of my life. I was terrified I was pregnant because based on my history, pregnancy simply does not end well for me. I looked at the test and saw the word "pregnant" staring back at me. I immediately started to cry and these were not tears of joy. You would think I would have been over the moon to see a BFP but all I could see was another loss waiting to happen. To say I have been living with my stomach in knots since seeing that BFP is an understatement; the agony of going through an ultrasound, waiting to hear if there is a heartbeat or not...it is torture. I've never been able to get past 9 weeks and at every u/s, I was terrified. 9 weeks went by, then 10 weeks, then 11 weeks and finally, 12 weeks - weekly u/s' showed my little one growing nicely :)
After my IPS scan, I was discharged from my clinic to the care of my OB. The first time I went to my OB's office, I felt like I was finally let into an elite club. I sat in her office, in total disbelief. I honestly never thought I would make it to an OB. And yet, there I was, receiving a package of pregnancy information with my name on it...my name!!!
Today, I am 4 months pregnant and due in mid-January. Although things are progressing well, S and I remain cautiously excited. We are extremely aware that the bottom could fall out at any time. We are taking it one step at a time and taking deep breaths along the way. So, for today, I am pregnant and I love, love, love my baby. And I promise to be a better blogger :)
I finally graduated with my degree in social work...YAY!!! As I was doing this program part-time, it took me a long time to get to the end of the road. So relieved to be finished! I got a letter from my university, congratulating me on making the dean's list; it was wonderful to get such great news. I'm applying to do my master's but certainly need a break from school for now.
In other news, S and I booked a trip to St. Maarten! We are leaving for a week on September 3rd. I can't wait warm my toes in the sand and run around on the beach! A vacation is just what we need and we are definitely excited.
My niece and nephew are getting to big! My niece, Savanna, is crawling now and she is so fast! She is doing a great job of using the couch to pull herself up and can take about 3 or 4 steps before landing on her tush :) She is so amazing. My nephew, Ian, is only 2 months old and growing up so fast. He discovers new things every day and seems amazed by the world around him. I'm having issues with them growing up so quickly...gah!
As you know, S and I decided to move on from TTC. Here is a brief recap of my infertility struggle. S and I have been TTC #1 since September 2005. We tried on our own for a year, which resulted in 3 heartbreaking losses. We started seeing a RE in January 2007. A lap in December 2008 revealed endo. By July 2009, I experienced 4 more devastating losses; clomid, injectables, blood thinners and tons of testing couldn't make my body carry a pregnancy to term. After back-to-back losses last year, S and I took a break for the rest of the year to recuperate and save for IVF w/ PGD. We decided to do one IVF only because we didn't think we could go on for much longer. Living in the trenches of infertility is hell on earth and we were nearing our breaking point.
In March 2010, we cycled for IVF and started to feel excited, even hopeful. We were devastated when the cycle ended in a BFN. At our WTF appointment, my RE said our issues are two-fold, (1) I have poor egg quality and, (2) my body's ability to detect abnormalities is compromised (which is why my body allows pregnancies to happen with bad eggs) so, each time I get pregnant, it ends in loss. This was his best educated guess as to why I keep having recurrent losses. His suggestion was DE. Emotionally exhausted, physically drained and hanging onto a few shreds of sanity, S and I made the choice to stop TTC and live childfree. Suffering from the battle scars of 4 1/2 years of infertility and miscarriage, we were ready to pursue new adventures in life. And of course that is when fate (or whatever) chose to play with us.
When AF was late the cycle right after our disastrous IVF cycle, I nervously tested and honestly, that had to be the longest 3 minutes of my life. I was terrified I was pregnant because based on my history, pregnancy simply does not end well for me. I looked at the test and saw the word "pregnant" staring back at me. I immediately started to cry and these were not tears of joy. You would think I would have been over the moon to see a BFP but all I could see was another loss waiting to happen. To say I have been living with my stomach in knots since seeing that BFP is an understatement; the agony of going through an ultrasound, waiting to hear if there is a heartbeat or not...it is torture. I've never been able to get past 9 weeks and at every u/s, I was terrified. 9 weeks went by, then 10 weeks, then 11 weeks and finally, 12 weeks - weekly u/s' showed my little one growing nicely :)
After my IPS scan, I was discharged from my clinic to the care of my OB. The first time I went to my OB's office, I felt like I was finally let into an elite club. I sat in her office, in total disbelief. I honestly never thought I would make it to an OB. And yet, there I was, receiving a package of pregnancy information with my name on it...my name!!!
Today, I am 4 months pregnant and due in mid-January. Although things are progressing well, S and I remain cautiously excited. We are extremely aware that the bottom could fall out at any time. We are taking it one step at a time and taking deep breaths along the way. So, for today, I am pregnant and I love, love, love my baby. And I promise to be a better blogger :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
More breathing
I had my first appointment yesterday with my new infertility therapist. As usual, I was running late and of course, starving. I stopped to get a fast lunch. I hopped back in my car and scarfed down a chicken shawarma. By the time I made it to her office, I was feeling rushed and I was sweaty...so gross! When I walked into her office, I heard calming nature sounds of waves breaking on sand, birds chirping, wind blowing through trees. The office smelled like incense and as I took a seat in the waiting room, I felt a lot less frazzled.
I spilled my guts and my therapist listened intently to everything I was saying. She validated all my feelings and highlighted the strengths she saw in me. She said I was a lovely woman and said it takes all kinds of stamina to endure what I've endured. I gotta say, I left her office feeling pretty powerful :) For the first time in my TTC journey, I felt powerful! For all of us going through IF, feelings of powerlessness dominate us. It is a terrible thing to feel like your body can't do what is seemingly so easy for other women to do. I've spent all of my TTC journey feeling totally useless so, to feel powerful was a very pleasant surprise.
Now that I'm finished school (will be graduating in the fall), I definitely need another project. So, I'm launching a full-scale attack on the extra 40 pounds I'm carrying. To that end, I'm resuming my daily running routine and looking into buying free weights. I solemnly swear I am NOT spending another summer being overweight! This weekend, I'm buying a goal dress and a goal bikini. My DH suggested taking before and after pictures; much as I don't want before pictures, they may be helpful when I hit the inevitable weight loss plateau.
I have to say, since I'm not consumed with TTC, it feels like I have more room in my brain for other things and that is a lovely feeling. Breathe in, breathe out.
I spilled my guts and my therapist listened intently to everything I was saying. She validated all my feelings and highlighted the strengths she saw in me. She said I was a lovely woman and said it takes all kinds of stamina to endure what I've endured. I gotta say, I left her office feeling pretty powerful :) For the first time in my TTC journey, I felt powerful! For all of us going through IF, feelings of powerlessness dominate us. It is a terrible thing to feel like your body can't do what is seemingly so easy for other women to do. I've spent all of my TTC journey feeling totally useless so, to feel powerful was a very pleasant surprise.
Now that I'm finished school (will be graduating in the fall), I definitely need another project. So, I'm launching a full-scale attack on the extra 40 pounds I'm carrying. To that end, I'm resuming my daily running routine and looking into buying free weights. I solemnly swear I am NOT spending another summer being overweight! This weekend, I'm buying a goal dress and a goal bikini. My DH suggested taking before and after pictures; much as I don't want before pictures, they may be helpful when I hit the inevitable weight loss plateau.
I have to say, since I'm not consumed with TTC, it feels like I have more room in my brain for other things and that is a lovely feeling. Breathe in, breathe out.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Breathe
Well, this week has certainly been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I went from shock and numb to downright angry and extreme sadness. Today, I'm feeling a little more grounded.
I had a conversation with one of my oldest friends about my decision to stop TTC. She said she loved me and thinks I am the strongest person she knows (G, I love you too!). She also said she was very sad for me because she always saw me as a mother. I was surprised because I never wanted kids until my early 30's. Even when I got married, I thought that was the last adult thing I was going to do. When I was first married, I was in bliss, enjoying married life and did not feel I needed kids to complete our family. I was perfectly happy with my life, just me and my fabulous DH. I really want to get back to that place of happiness. I don't see moving on from TTC as giving up, I see it making a choice to find other sources of happiness.
And here's the thing. As painful as it was to get that fateful BFN phone call, I really feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. To say that living in the emotional space of infertility and miscarriage is extremely hard does not even cover it. The uncertainty of whether or not infertility treatments will work has left me completely drained. And I simply can't live like that any longer. All of us who are going through infertility have a breaking point; I definitely crossed my personal threshold with the phone call about my negative beta. I'm realistic enough to realize that I will have bad days, probably lots of bad days; I'm sure a baby's cry or laugh, seeing a pregnant woman, or attending the birthdays of my niece and soon-to-be-here nephew will sting. I'm just saying I believe it will get better and that brighter days must be ahead for me and my DH; I mean, it has to, right?
On Friday night, two of my girlfriends came over to my place. We ate pizza, tiramisu and drank sangria. We talked about work, our plans for the summer and all the other things going on in our lives. And guess what? I laughed...a lot! It felt wonderful to think and talk about things not related to TTC. I had a great night, thank you so much M and K :)
I don't know what my life holds for me and today, I'm hopeful for my future. Breathe in, breathe out.
I had a conversation with one of my oldest friends about my decision to stop TTC. She said she loved me and thinks I am the strongest person she knows (G, I love you too!). She also said she was very sad for me because she always saw me as a mother. I was surprised because I never wanted kids until my early 30's. Even when I got married, I thought that was the last adult thing I was going to do. When I was first married, I was in bliss, enjoying married life and did not feel I needed kids to complete our family. I was perfectly happy with my life, just me and my fabulous DH. I really want to get back to that place of happiness. I don't see moving on from TTC as giving up, I see it making a choice to find other sources of happiness.
And here's the thing. As painful as it was to get that fateful BFN phone call, I really feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. To say that living in the emotional space of infertility and miscarriage is extremely hard does not even cover it. The uncertainty of whether or not infertility treatments will work has left me completely drained. And I simply can't live like that any longer. All of us who are going through infertility have a breaking point; I definitely crossed my personal threshold with the phone call about my negative beta. I'm realistic enough to realize that I will have bad days, probably lots of bad days; I'm sure a baby's cry or laugh, seeing a pregnant woman, or attending the birthdays of my niece and soon-to-be-here nephew will sting. I'm just saying I believe it will get better and that brighter days must be ahead for me and my DH; I mean, it has to, right?
On Friday night, two of my girlfriends came over to my place. We ate pizza, tiramisu and drank sangria. We talked about work, our plans for the summer and all the other things going on in our lives. And guess what? I laughed...a lot! It felt wonderful to think and talk about things not related to TTC. I had a great night, thank you so much M and K :)
I don't know what my life holds for me and today, I'm hopeful for my future. Breathe in, breathe out.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
IVF = Epic Fail
I got my beta result yesterday and it was negative. Because I started spotting on Tuesday and AF came in full force on Wednesday, this was not a surprise. It still felt like someone kicked me in the gut.
As I was sitting in the waiting room at my RE's clinic, I felt extremely sad because I knew I would not be cycling again. When I walked out the door, I had a strong sense of finality as the door closed behind me. I was so tearful on the drive back to work.
There was so much at stake this cycle. After the back-to-back miscarriages I had last summer, my DH and I discussed our options at length. I was feeling completely at the end of my rope, I was emotionally wiped and my body felt like it had been through hell. After a few months, we decided to do IVF w/ PGD. We figured it would give us the best chances of a healthy baby.
All day yesterday, I was thinking about last summer and the many conversations my DH and I had about TTC. I remember telling him I was sorry that my body couldn't carry a pregnancy. And I remember him looking at me with nothing but love and telling me I had nothing to be sorry for. I remember hating my body for not cooperating with me, looking at myself in the mirror with disgust. I remember my DH wrapping his arms around me in loving, strong, long hugs and telling me that no matter how much I hated myself, he would love me forever.
My dream to become a mother has been the focus of my life for my life for a long time. It is very painful to put it to rest and pursue other dreams. After 4 1/2 years of TTC, countless testing, shooting myself up with tons of fertility meds, 7 devastating miscarriages (including 3 d&c's) and thousands of dollars down the drain, I just can't believe we ended up with nothing. Wait, let me correct myself, I ended up with about 40 pounds of extra weight, which is directly a result of infertility meds and the emotional hell that comes with infertility and miscarriage.
I am so sad. I'm sad that I could not make my husband a father...and he would have been an awesome and amazing father. I'm sad for the losses we've had. I'm sad our hopes were crushed with one simple phone call yesterday. I'm just really sad and my heart feels really heavy.
To all women who are deep in the trenches of infertility, please know I'm thinking about you and hoping with all my might that you make it to the other side.
I have an appointment with an infertility therapist next Wednesday to help me through mourning the loss of my dream of motherhood. With that appointment, a chapter of my life will start.
As I was sitting in the waiting room at my RE's clinic, I felt extremely sad because I knew I would not be cycling again. When I walked out the door, I had a strong sense of finality as the door closed behind me. I was so tearful on the drive back to work.
There was so much at stake this cycle. After the back-to-back miscarriages I had last summer, my DH and I discussed our options at length. I was feeling completely at the end of my rope, I was emotionally wiped and my body felt like it had been through hell. After a few months, we decided to do IVF w/ PGD. We figured it would give us the best chances of a healthy baby.
All day yesterday, I was thinking about last summer and the many conversations my DH and I had about TTC. I remember telling him I was sorry that my body couldn't carry a pregnancy. And I remember him looking at me with nothing but love and telling me I had nothing to be sorry for. I remember hating my body for not cooperating with me, looking at myself in the mirror with disgust. I remember my DH wrapping his arms around me in loving, strong, long hugs and telling me that no matter how much I hated myself, he would love me forever.
My dream to become a mother has been the focus of my life for my life for a long time. It is very painful to put it to rest and pursue other dreams. After 4 1/2 years of TTC, countless testing, shooting myself up with tons of fertility meds, 7 devastating miscarriages (including 3 d&c's) and thousands of dollars down the drain, I just can't believe we ended up with nothing. Wait, let me correct myself, I ended up with about 40 pounds of extra weight, which is directly a result of infertility meds and the emotional hell that comes with infertility and miscarriage.
I am so sad. I'm sad that I could not make my husband a father...and he would have been an awesome and amazing father. I'm sad for the losses we've had. I'm sad our hopes were crushed with one simple phone call yesterday. I'm just really sad and my heart feels really heavy.
To all women who are deep in the trenches of infertility, please know I'm thinking about you and hoping with all my might that you make it to the other side.
I have an appointment with an infertility therapist next Wednesday to help me through mourning the loss of my dream of motherhood. With that appointment, a chapter of my life will start.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Parenthood Club
Have you ever got all gussied up, make up and hair done perfectly, your outfit is rockin' and you're on your way to the hottest club? You're standing in line, waiting to get in; some of us get in right way, some of us wait a while but get in, some of us wait a really long time but eventually get in. Sadly, others won't get in. That's how I feel about my journey to parenthood. Parenthood is like a club that I keep lining up to get into and the bouncer keeps telling me to fuck off.
I'm 6 days past a 5 day transfer. Too early to test and the waiting is seriously killing me. I feel so rattled and I'm having a hard time being settled. I'm preparing myself for the worst because let's be real here, there is a very real chance this cycle could end in a negative beta. So, here I am, on a lovely Sunday afternoon, the sun is shining, it's warm outside but my mood is very down today.
I know I can't continue TTC any longer; I just don't know how I'm going to reconcile living childfree. Infertility and miscarriage really suck.
I'm 6 days past a 5 day transfer. Too early to test and the waiting is seriously killing me. I feel so rattled and I'm having a hard time being settled. I'm preparing myself for the worst because let's be real here, there is a very real chance this cycle could end in a negative beta. So, here I am, on a lovely Sunday afternoon, the sun is shining, it's warm outside but my mood is very down today.
I know I can't continue TTC any longer; I just don't know how I'm going to reconcile living childfree. Infertility and miscarriage really suck.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Mini update about my beta...
So, my beta was scheduled for April 15th, which is next Thursday; my clinic has four locations and the one I go to is closed on Thursdays. The next nearest location is a far trek for me; it would take me about 2.5 hours to drive there, get my beta done and drive to work. So, I spoke to my IVF nurse and she told me I could come to my regular location next Wednesday, which means my beta is pushed one day ahead…YAY :) I’m really glad I’m having my beta done earlier because this has to be the worst 2ww ever…ugh!
In other news, I have an exam to write today at 1:00 pm and since I've barely studied, I guess I better crack open my books.
In other news, I have an exam to write today at 1:00 pm and since I've barely studied, I guess I better crack open my books.
Monday, April 5, 2010
PGD results and ET today!
Out of the two embies that where tested, only one was normal. Our beautiful little embie was transferred this morning and the process went smoothly; I was a little concerned because my uterine lining measured 7.6 (I was hoping for 8) but my RE said it was fine. I hope progesterone will do it's job. Beta is scheduled for April 15th.
There is so much riding on this cycle. My DH and I decided this is our last shot at becoming parents. This journey has long, tedious, stressful and heartbreaking and no matter what this cycle brings, we know we cannot continue to TTC indefinitely. We need to move on. If we have no other say in this process other than to decide when we stop, well, at least we have that.
There is so much riding on this cycle. My DH and I decided this is our last shot at becoming parents. This journey has long, tedious, stressful and heartbreaking and no matter what this cycle brings, we know we cannot continue to TTC indefinitely. We need to move on. If we have no other say in this process other than to decide when we stop, well, at least we have that.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
My two little fighters...
are doing very well today! They are both 8-celled, which exactly where they should be. They were both given an excellent grading and PGD was done this afternoon. My RE will call me tomorrow afternoon to let us know the results of the testing. Please, please, please let my little fighters be healthy!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Yet another update
The on-call RE, Dr. W, called us today and we have two strong embryos; we were hoping for three. Although my clinic will generally only do PGD with at least 6 embryos (because PGD puts a lot of stress on embryos), we are opting to go forward with PGD. We thought long and hard about this and it boils down to trying to avoid another miscarriage. In all honesty, I cannot survive another loss and my husband cannot watch me suffer through another loss. Although PGD does not guarantee I will carry a pregnancy to term, it does increase our chances. After seven miscarriages, I need to know I did everything I could to have a healthy pregnancy. We will call Dr. W tomorrow and let him our decision. I'm hoping with everything I have that our two little fighters will make it through the PGD process.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Fert report
Well, they got six eggs, four were mature and 3 fertilized. The doc will call us tomorrow and tell us how many embies we have. If we don't have 3 embies, they will suggest transferring without PGD. I'm not feeling good about that because the whole reason why we want to do PGD is to detect chromosomal abnormalities, which would increase our chances of carrying a pregnancy to term. I know if I can risk ET without PGD; I just don't know if I can survive another miscarriage. So, I really, really hope we have 3 embies tomorrow.
Before I sign off, I want to give a shout-out to the people in my life who are supporting me...you know who you are and I could have never this far without you.
Well, off to enjoy the sunshine and will update tomorrow. Grow embies!
Before I sign off, I want to give a shout-out to the people in my life who are supporting me...you know who you are and I could have never this far without you.
Well, off to enjoy the sunshine and will update tomorrow. Grow embies!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
ER Done!
My DH and I woke up at the crack of dawn and went to the clinic. Strangely, I felt calm. My IVF nurse was there, which was awesome. Dr. S came in, gave me something to sleep and the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room. Before we left, Dr. S told us they six eggs out of the 10 I triggered with. We came home and had a nap for a few hours. I'm a little sore so, I'm taking it easy for the rest of the night. Can't wait to hear about fert report tomorrow!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Triggering tonight...
So, I had my last follie check today. Not sure about the numbers but it looks like I'm going to have 7 mature follies at ER on Wednesday. My lining wasn't as thick as I wanted and I'm hoping it will be nice and thick by ET next Monday. Of course, I haven't been able to think about anything other than IVF for the last few days. I'm nervous, scared, excited, hopeful and doubtful - it is bizarre to feel all these emotions at the same time. Tonight, I'm going to try to relax and enjoy a movie with my hubby. Please, please, please let this be my sticky BFP!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Long time, no write
Since my last post, a lot has changed. Due to an out-of-town business trip, we cancelled our IVF cycle. My husband would have been out of town right around the time of my ER and although we could have opted to freeze his swimmers, I didn't want to go through this process alone. To be honest, I wasn't all that disappointed; IVF still scares the shit out of me and of course, my fear of another loss is still there.
Fast forward to this cycle. I went in for CD 3 baseline last Thursday and everything looked good. I started 300 iu of Puregon and I'm down to 0.5 ml of Lupron. I went in for a follie check on Monday and my follies weren't doing much. I started 375 on Puregon last night, still on Lupron and going for my next follie check on Friday. I can't believe I stab myself in the morning with Lupron and stab myself at night with Puregon; I feel like an addict.
In other news, I'm finishing up the last of my final papers and writing a final exam in two weeks. This is my semester of my program and I'm graduating in the fall. I can't believe it!! Seriously, what am I going to do with all the free time I'll have??? Maybe resume baking classes? Read more books? Exercise more? Perhaps I can spend more time preparing for a baby...dare to dream!
Fast forward to this cycle. I went in for CD 3 baseline last Thursday and everything looked good. I started 300 iu of Puregon and I'm down to 0.5 ml of Lupron. I went in for a follie check on Monday and my follies weren't doing much. I started 375 on Puregon last night, still on Lupron and going for my next follie check on Friday. I can't believe I stab myself in the morning with Lupron and stab myself at night with Puregon; I feel like an addict.
In other news, I'm finishing up the last of my final papers and writing a final exam in two weeks. This is my semester of my program and I'm graduating in the fall. I can't believe it!! Seriously, what am I going to do with all the free time I'll have??? Maybe resume baking classes? Read more books? Exercise more? Perhaps I can spend more time preparing for a baby...dare to dream!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Here we go
My husband and I went to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up Lupron (Lupron will suppress my ovulation for next cycle so that I don't ovulate too early on stims). We get home and I'm looking at the 14 syringes in the box and I start to cringe. Firstly, I hate needles...any kind of needle really creeps me out! Secondly, I'm still in disbelief that this is the stage I'm at to conceive a child. I never, ever thought I would struggle with infertility. I think back to all the money I spent on birth control in my 20's...ha! I could have saved all the money for infertility treatments!
On a good note, I have been consistently working out and feeling very good about that. I'm starting this cycle overweight but at least I can still be active. My IVF nurse said I can continue with all my normal exercise during stimming and in fact, encouraged movement during my cycle. The only thing I can't do is hot yoga, which I will miss a lot :(
So, I'll take my first Lupron injection tonight. Scary and exciting at the same time.
On a good note, I have been consistently working out and feeling very good about that. I'm starting this cycle overweight but at least I can still be active. My IVF nurse said I can continue with all my normal exercise during stimming and in fact, encouraged movement during my cycle. The only thing I can't do is hot yoga, which I will miss a lot :(
So, I'll take my first Lupron injection tonight. Scary and exciting at the same time.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Let me introduce myself...
January 27, 2010
I'm a 30-something year old woman, married to a 30-something year old amazing man. We've made a great life for ourselves and are hoping our little family of two will become three.
I finally took the plunge. I've started a blog. I've been thinking about this for a while. My husband and I have been trying to concieve our first child almost 4 1/2 years. So far, the journey has been a roller coaster. This is my story of infertility, miscarrage, hope, inspiration and hopefully, motherhood.
Here is a quick and dirty timeline of our journey so far:
November 2004 - threw out the last of my birth control pills.
September 2005 - first cycle of trying to conceive. BFP, which ended in an early loss.
June 2006 - suprise BFP. Loss in July 2006.
November 2006 - BFP. Another loss.
January 2007 - Started with an RE. Standard testing done. DH's SA was great. Two mystery cysts found on my left ovary, which my RE wasn't concerned about.
April 2007 - First round of clomid with IUI. BFN.
May 2007 - Second round of clomid with IUI. BFN.
June 2007 - Third round of clomd with TI. BFP. Yup, you guessed it...another loss.
December 2007 - At my insistence, I had a laporoscopy, which removed the mystery cysts and confirmed a diagnosis of endometriosis.
January 2008 - Started with another RE.
June 2008 - First round of Repronex and Puregon. BFP. Blighted ovum discovered at 6 weeks. My asshole RE didn't want to give me the bad news and let me carry a dead baby in my belly until 9 weeks, when I went to my OB. Misoprotal taken to start a miscarriage but didn't clear out all the "tissue". November 2008 - d&c done to clear out everything. Okay, moving onto another RE.
November 2008 - Met with my third (and final) RE. First cycle of Gonal-F. BFN.
February 2009 - Second cycle of Gonal-F. BFP. Heart beat at 6 weeks. Loss at 7 weeks.
May 2009 - Surprise BFP. Heart beat at 6 weeks. Thundering heart beat of 160 at 8 weeks...YAY!!!!!! Searing abdominal pain at almost 9 weeks. Loss discovered at 10 weeks. Seriously thinking about living childfree because I am so emotionally fragile.
So, that's my journey so far. Dr. S suggested we take a break...fine by me. I need a rest from the trauma of consistent BFN's and the devastating loss of the BFP's I do get.
Dr. S also suggested we do IVF w/ PGD (a process to rule out chromosomal abnormalities). I start meds for our first (and hopefully) only IVF this Sunday. Fingers crossed that this will finally us a healthy baby.
In the midst of my quest to motherhood, I've developed a passion for baking and a love for cooking. This is bizzare because I never dreamed I had culinary skills...who knew?
I have a long time love for reading and I enjoy almost all genres. Susan Isaacs and Janet Evanovich are two of my favourite authors.
My youngest sister and I are taking up yoga. Let me tell you, watching my 125 pound sister do yoga poses with grace and balance is a real slap in the face when I look at my big body struggling to not fall flat in my ass.
Thanks for reading.
I'm a 30-something year old woman, married to a 30-something year old amazing man. We've made a great life for ourselves and are hoping our little family of two will become three.
I finally took the plunge. I've started a blog. I've been thinking about this for a while. My husband and I have been trying to concieve our first child almost 4 1/2 years. So far, the journey has been a roller coaster. This is my story of infertility, miscarrage, hope, inspiration and hopefully, motherhood.
Here is a quick and dirty timeline of our journey so far:
November 2004 - threw out the last of my birth control pills.
September 2005 - first cycle of trying to conceive. BFP, which ended in an early loss.
June 2006 - suprise BFP. Loss in July 2006.
November 2006 - BFP. Another loss.
January 2007 - Started with an RE. Standard testing done. DH's SA was great. Two mystery cysts found on my left ovary, which my RE wasn't concerned about.
April 2007 - First round of clomid with IUI. BFN.
May 2007 - Second round of clomid with IUI. BFN.
June 2007 - Third round of clomd with TI. BFP. Yup, you guessed it...another loss.
December 2007 - At my insistence, I had a laporoscopy, which removed the mystery cysts and confirmed a diagnosis of endometriosis.
January 2008 - Started with another RE.
June 2008 - First round of Repronex and Puregon. BFP. Blighted ovum discovered at 6 weeks. My asshole RE didn't want to give me the bad news and let me carry a dead baby in my belly until 9 weeks, when I went to my OB. Misoprotal taken to start a miscarriage but didn't clear out all the "tissue". November 2008 - d&c done to clear out everything. Okay, moving onto another RE.
November 2008 - Met with my third (and final) RE. First cycle of Gonal-F. BFN.
February 2009 - Second cycle of Gonal-F. BFP. Heart beat at 6 weeks. Loss at 7 weeks.
May 2009 - Surprise BFP. Heart beat at 6 weeks. Thundering heart beat of 160 at 8 weeks...YAY!!!!!! Searing abdominal pain at almost 9 weeks. Loss discovered at 10 weeks. Seriously thinking about living childfree because I am so emotionally fragile.
So, that's my journey so far. Dr. S suggested we take a break...fine by me. I need a rest from the trauma of consistent BFN's and the devastating loss of the BFP's I do get.
Dr. S also suggested we do IVF w/ PGD (a process to rule out chromosomal abnormalities). I start meds for our first (and hopefully) only IVF this Sunday. Fingers crossed that this will finally us a healthy baby.
In the midst of my quest to motherhood, I've developed a passion for baking and a love for cooking. This is bizzare because I never dreamed I had culinary skills...who knew?
I have a long time love for reading and I enjoy almost all genres. Susan Isaacs and Janet Evanovich are two of my favourite authors.
My youngest sister and I are taking up yoga. Let me tell you, watching my 125 pound sister do yoga poses with grace and balance is a real slap in the face when I look at my big body struggling to not fall flat in my ass.
Thanks for reading.
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