I got my beta result yesterday and it was negative. Because I started spotting on Tuesday and AF came in full force on Wednesday, this was not a surprise. It still felt like someone kicked me in the gut.
As I was sitting in the waiting room at my RE's clinic, I felt extremely sad because I knew I would not be cycling again. When I walked out the door, I had a strong sense of finality as the door closed behind me. I was so tearful on the drive back to work.
There was so much at stake this cycle. After the back-to-back miscarriages I had last summer, my DH and I discussed our options at length. I was feeling completely at the end of my rope, I was emotionally wiped and my body felt like it had been through hell. After a few months, we decided to do IVF w/ PGD. We figured it would give us the best chances of a healthy baby.
All day yesterday, I was thinking about last summer and the many conversations my DH and I had about TTC. I remember telling him I was sorry that my body couldn't carry a pregnancy. And I remember him looking at me with nothing but love and telling me I had nothing to be sorry for. I remember hating my body for not cooperating with me, looking at myself in the mirror with disgust. I remember my DH wrapping his arms around me in loving, strong, long hugs and telling me that no matter how much I hated myself, he would love me forever.
My dream to become a mother has been the focus of my life for my life for a long time. It is very painful to put it to rest and pursue other dreams. After 4 1/2 years of TTC, countless testing, shooting myself up with tons of fertility meds, 7 devastating miscarriages (including 3 d&c's) and thousands of dollars down the drain, I just can't believe we ended up with nothing. Wait, let me correct myself, I ended up with about 40 pounds of extra weight, which is directly a result of infertility meds and the emotional hell that comes with infertility and miscarriage.
I am so sad. I'm sad that I could not make my husband a father...and he would have been an awesome and amazing father. I'm sad for the losses we've had. I'm sad our hopes were crushed with one simple phone call yesterday. I'm just really sad and my heart feels really heavy.
To all women who are deep in the trenches of infertility, please know I'm thinking about you and hoping with all my might that you make it to the other side.
I have an appointment with an infertility therapist next Wednesday to help me through mourning the loss of my dream of motherhood. With that appointment, a chapter of my life will start.
My heart breaks for you. I'm here for you always and I'm here for you as you start this next chapter in your life. I've seen you go through this long journey with such grace and courage. Reading this post lets me see how wonderful your marriage is with DH, you're both amazing people. I love you. ST
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ReplyDeleteoh M,
ReplyDeleteI'm so heartbroken to read this post. I wish I could give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on right now. I know at this moment there's little I can say that will console you, but I do want you to know that at the end of this long, dark tunnel, there is a light. You will not see it today or tomorrow or maybe not even 6 months from now, but it's there.
You are a survivor and you have not let the bitterness of infertility consume you like so many others have. I am so proud of you and your sweet DH and the road you have travelled so beautifully together. Your journey will end happily, I know it.
But for now, let yourself be sad. Mourn. Cry. Yell. Let your calls go to voicemail. Do what you need to do to let yourself heal. You deserve it, my dear M.
love you- Rose
I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. I am so sorry that you and your hubby are going through this.
ReplyDeleteI mourn with you M. I hope that as you take this new journey you will find strength and comfort in knowing that you have tried everything. You are a great friend and a great woman. I wish nothing but TLC right now.
Thank you for sharing your story and I will be there for you as you recover.
Your friend always, Faith
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that this is how your journey has ended. I wish there is something I could do to make all this better. I am so glad that you have so many wonderful friends and family, especially your DH who support you. Please know that we are all here for you, to talk, to lend a shoulder, or whatever you need.
ReplyDeleteYou are incredibly strong and will get through this. You have so much to offer life itself, I know no matter what path you take, you will touch and enrich those around you.
I am blessed and honoured to have you as a friend.
Lots of love and hugs,
G
big (((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI wish I could some how make your dream come true but I can't. You're so strong to have come this far. I know that this is affecting you in ways you never anticipated when you started down this path.It's so unfaire that it became this difficult and dissapointing. I love you so much- my sister from another Mr.-I will always be here for a venting convo or a hug when you need it. You are a so good a giving your attention and care to others; this is a time for you to care for yourself and seek out your friends to support you. Call me whenever you need a friend.
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs CT
Big hugs and kisses. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your hubby. Your circle of support is huge, you will get though this,..maybe not today, or tomorrow, but you will...take all the time you need, feel what you need to feel…its ok. You are strong, amazing, beautiful, smart women, who has so much to offer the world, and each and everyone of us are so lucky to have you in our lives. you have taken care of others for so long, now take care of yourself, and let us all now take care of you. You are in my heart, and prayers. Love you and will be here for you ALWAYS!!!
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
K