Breathe

Well, this week has certainly been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I went from shock and numb to downright angry and extreme sadness. Today, I'm feeling a little more grounded.

I had a conversation with one of my oldest friends about my decision to stop TTC. She said she loved me and thinks I am the strongest person she knows (G, I love you too!). She also said she was very sad for me because she always saw me as a mother. I was surprised because I never wanted kids until my early 30's. Even when I got married, I thought that was the last adult thing I was going to do. When I was first married, I was in bliss, enjoying married life and did not feel I needed kids to complete our family. I was perfectly happy with my life, just me and my fabulous DH. I really want to get back to that place of happiness. I don't see moving on from TTC as giving up, I see it making a choice to find other sources of happiness.

And here's the thing. As painful as it was to get that fateful BFN phone call, I really feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. To say that living in the emotional space of infertility and miscarriage is extremely hard does not even cover it. The uncertainty of whether or not infertility treatments will work has left me completely drained. And I simply can't live like that any longer. All of us who are going through infertility have a breaking point; I definitely crossed my personal threshold with the phone call about my negative beta. I'm realistic enough to realize that I will have bad days, probably lots of bad days; I'm sure a baby's cry or laugh, seeing a pregnant woman, or attending the birthdays of my niece and soon-to-be-here nephew will sting. I'm just saying I believe it will get better and that brighter days must be ahead for me and my DH; I mean, it has to, right?

On Friday night, two of my girlfriends came over to my place. We ate pizza, tiramisu and drank sangria. We talked about work, our plans for the summer and all the other things going on in our lives. And guess what? I laughed...a lot! It felt wonderful to think and talk about things not related to TTC. I had a great night, thank you so much M and K :)

I don't know what my life holds for me and today, I'm hopeful for my future. Breathe in, breathe out.