More breathing

I had my first appointment yesterday with my new infertility therapist. As usual, I was running late and of course, starving. I stopped to get a fast lunch. I hopped back in my car and scarfed down a chicken shawarma. By the time I made it to her office, I was feeling rushed and I was sweaty...so gross! When I walked into her office, I heard calming nature sounds of waves breaking on sand, birds chirping, wind blowing through trees. The office smelled like incense and as I took a seat in the waiting room, I felt a lot less frazzled.

I spilled my guts and my therapist listened intently to everything I was saying. She validated all my feelings and highlighted the strengths she saw in me. She said I was a lovely woman and said it takes all kinds of stamina to endure what I've endured. I gotta say, I left her office feeling pretty powerful :) For the first time in my TTC journey, I felt powerful! For all of us going through IF, feelings of powerlessness dominate us. It is a terrible thing to feel like your body can't do what is seemingly so easy for other women to do. I've spent all of my TTC journey feeling totally useless so, to feel powerful was a very pleasant surprise.

Now that I'm finished school (will be graduating in the fall), I definitely need another project. So, I'm launching a full-scale attack on the extra 40 pounds I'm carrying. To that end, I'm resuming my daily running routine and looking into buying free weights. I solemnly swear I am NOT spending another summer being overweight! This weekend, I'm buying a goal dress and a goal bikini. My DH suggested taking before and after pictures; much as I don't want before pictures, they may be helpful when I hit the inevitable weight loss plateau.

I have to say, since I'm not consumed with TTC, it feels like I have more room in my brain for other things and that is a lovely feeling. Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe

Well, this week has certainly been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I went from shock and numb to downright angry and extreme sadness. Today, I'm feeling a little more grounded.

I had a conversation with one of my oldest friends about my decision to stop TTC. She said she loved me and thinks I am the strongest person she knows (G, I love you too!). She also said she was very sad for me because she always saw me as a mother. I was surprised because I never wanted kids until my early 30's. Even when I got married, I thought that was the last adult thing I was going to do. When I was first married, I was in bliss, enjoying married life and did not feel I needed kids to complete our family. I was perfectly happy with my life, just me and my fabulous DH. I really want to get back to that place of happiness. I don't see moving on from TTC as giving up, I see it making a choice to find other sources of happiness.

And here's the thing. As painful as it was to get that fateful BFN phone call, I really feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. To say that living in the emotional space of infertility and miscarriage is extremely hard does not even cover it. The uncertainty of whether or not infertility treatments will work has left me completely drained. And I simply can't live like that any longer. All of us who are going through infertility have a breaking point; I definitely crossed my personal threshold with the phone call about my negative beta. I'm realistic enough to realize that I will have bad days, probably lots of bad days; I'm sure a baby's cry or laugh, seeing a pregnant woman, or attending the birthdays of my niece and soon-to-be-here nephew will sting. I'm just saying I believe it will get better and that brighter days must be ahead for me and my DH; I mean, it has to, right?

On Friday night, two of my girlfriends came over to my place. We ate pizza, tiramisu and drank sangria. We talked about work, our plans for the summer and all the other things going on in our lives. And guess what? I laughed...a lot! It felt wonderful to think and talk about things not related to TTC. I had a great night, thank you so much M and K :)

I don't know what my life holds for me and today, I'm hopeful for my future. Breathe in, breathe out.

IVF = Epic Fail

I got my beta result yesterday and it was negative. Because I started spotting on Tuesday and AF came in full force on Wednesday, this was not a surprise. It still felt like someone kicked me in the gut.

As I was sitting in the waiting room at my RE's clinic, I felt extremely sad because I knew I would not be cycling again. When I walked out the door, I had a strong sense of finality as the door closed behind me. I was so tearful on the drive back to work.

There was so much at stake this cycle. After the back-to-back miscarriages I had last summer, my DH and I discussed our options at length. I was feeling completely at the end of my rope, I was emotionally wiped and my body felt like it had been through hell. After a few months, we decided to do IVF w/ PGD. We figured it would give us the best chances of a healthy baby.

All day yesterday, I was thinking about last summer and the many conversations my DH and I had about TTC. I remember telling him I was sorry that my body couldn't carry a pregnancy. And I remember him looking at me with nothing but love and telling me I had nothing to be sorry for. I remember hating my body for not cooperating with me, looking at myself in the mirror with disgust. I remember my DH wrapping his arms around me in loving, strong, long hugs and telling me that no matter how much I hated myself, he would love me forever.

My dream to become a mother has been the focus of my life for my life for a long time. It is very painful to put it to rest and pursue other dreams. After 4 1/2 years of TTC, countless testing, shooting myself up with tons of fertility meds, 7 devastating miscarriages (including 3 d&c's) and thousands of dollars down the drain, I just can't believe we ended up with nothing. Wait, let me correct myself, I ended up with about 40 pounds of extra weight, which is directly a result of infertility meds and the emotional hell that comes with infertility and miscarriage.

I am so sad. I'm sad that I could not make my husband a father...and he would have been an awesome and amazing father. I'm sad for the losses we've had. I'm sad our hopes were crushed with one simple phone call yesterday. I'm just really sad and my heart feels really heavy.

To all women who are deep in the trenches of infertility, please know I'm thinking about you and hoping with all my might that you make it to the other side.

I have an appointment with an infertility therapist next Wednesday to help me through mourning the loss of my dream of motherhood. With that appointment, a chapter of my life will start.

The Parenthood Club

Have you ever got all gussied up, make up and hair done perfectly, your outfit is rockin' and you're on your way to the hottest club? You're standing in line, waiting to get in; some of us get in right way, some of us wait a while but get in, some of us wait a really long time but eventually get in. Sadly, others won't get in. That's how I feel about my journey to parenthood. Parenthood is like a club that I keep lining up to get into and the bouncer keeps telling me to fuck off.

I'm 6 days past a 5 day transfer. Too early to test and the waiting is seriously killing me. I feel so rattled and I'm having a hard time being settled. I'm preparing myself for the worst because let's be real here, there is a very real chance this cycle could end in a negative beta. So, here I am, on a lovely Sunday afternoon, the sun is shining, it's warm outside but my mood is very down today.

I know I can't continue TTC any longer; I just don't know how I'm going to reconcile living childfree. Infertility and miscarriage really suck.

Mini update about my beta...

So, my beta was scheduled for April 15th, which is next Thursday; my clinic has four locations and the one I go to is closed on Thursdays. The next nearest location is a far trek for me; it would take me about 2.5 hours to drive there, get my beta done and drive to work. So, I spoke to my IVF nurse and she told me I could come to my regular location next Wednesday, which means my beta is pushed one day ahead…YAY :) I’m really glad I’m having my beta done earlier because this has to be the worst 2ww ever…ugh!

In other news, I have an exam to write today at 1:00 pm and since I've barely studied, I guess I better crack open my books.

PGD results and ET today!

Out of the two embies that where tested, only one was normal. Our beautiful little embie was transferred this morning and the process went smoothly; I was a little concerned because my uterine lining measured 7.6 (I was hoping for 8) but my RE said it was fine. I hope progesterone will do it's job. Beta is scheduled for April 15th.

There is so much riding on this cycle. My DH and I decided this is our last shot at becoming parents. This journey has long, tedious, stressful and heartbreaking and no matter what this cycle brings, we know we cannot continue to TTC indefinitely. We need to move on. If we have no other say in this process other than to decide when we stop, well, at least we have that.

My two little fighters...

are doing very well today! They are both 8-celled, which exactly where they should be. They were both given an excellent grading and PGD was done this afternoon. My RE will call me tomorrow afternoon to let us know the results of the testing. Please, please, please let my little fighters be healthy!

Yet another update

The on-call RE, Dr. W, called us today and we have two strong embryos; we were hoping for three. Although my clinic will generally only do PGD with at least 6 embryos (because PGD puts a lot of stress on embryos), we are opting to go forward with PGD. We thought long and hard about this and it boils down to trying to avoid another miscarriage. In all honesty, I cannot survive another loss and my husband cannot watch me suffer through another loss. Although PGD does not guarantee I will carry a pregnancy to term, it does increase our chances. After seven miscarriages, I need to know I did everything I could to have a healthy pregnancy. We will call Dr. W tomorrow and let him our decision. I'm hoping with everything I have that our two little fighters will make it through the PGD process.

Fert report

Well, they got six eggs, four were mature and 3 fertilized. The doc will call us tomorrow and tell us how many embies we have. If we don't have 3 embies, they will suggest transferring without PGD. I'm not feeling good about that because the whole reason why we want to do PGD is to detect chromosomal abnormalities, which would increase our chances of carrying a pregnancy to term. I know if I can risk ET without PGD; I just don't know if I can survive another miscarriage. So, I really, really hope we have 3 embies tomorrow.

Before I sign off, I want to give a shout-out to the people in my life who are supporting me...you know who you are and I could have never this far without you.

Well, off to enjoy the sunshine and will update tomorrow. Grow embies!