So much has happened since my last post and for those of you who are reading my blog, I will make much more of an effort to post regular updates.
S and I had a 3D ultrasound done and we found out it’s a girl :) We’ve registered at Babiesrus and, ordered and put together her furniture. S painted her room last weekend and has been fussing over all the stuff family and friends have been giving us for her. I tell you, our little girl has her Dad wrapped around her pinky finger already...he is in deep trouble when she’s born :)
S and I finally chose a name. We struggled with this so much and I’m relieved we agreed on something. Our daughter’s name Isla...I love the way it sounds! And now the battle for her middle name begins...
My shower is on January 2/11. I’ll be pushing 37 weeks by then and I know I’m cutting it close but we’ve had some recent family deaths and I didn’t feel right having a shower in the midst of grief and sadness. Fingers crossed that my daughter and I will make it to her party.
Isla is moving around much more now and dancing up a storm in my belly. I love the movements she makes when I’m waking up in the morning...feeling her move makes me feel like she is waking up with me. I feel like I’m bonding more and more with her every day. I love my little Isla so much already and can’t wait to meet her!
And speaking of my belly, I finally popped at about 28 weeks. I actually look pregnant and not just fat. I will post belly pics as soon as I can.
Work continues to stress me out but hey, I’ve only got 4 more weeks left and then hello maternity leave! I’m so grateful that we get a full year of maternity leave in Canada. I have no intentions of returning to my job when my year is up and a year off of work will give me lots of time to think about what direction I want my career to take.
And in a nutshell, that’s what’s been going on with me.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Latest OB appointment
Well, I'm almost 26 weeks along in my pregnancy. I did the glucose test and will get the results soon. My OB says she is very happy with my weight gain (I'm up 10 pds but keep in mind I started this pregnancy off about 30 pds overweight) but said my belly was a little bit big; she was not concerned about it and told me not to be concerned either. Um, does she know she who's talking to??? I called my sister, who was able to calm my fears about what my OB could have meant and felt a lot better. Either I'm carrying a big baby or I'm farther along that we thought.
In other news, work continues to be both a nuisance and a welcome distraction. A nuisance because a few people on my team really need to move on; some have been there too long and are showing clear signs of burnout. Another one constantly calls in sick, which is bullshit because according to her Facebook updates, she is clearly not sick on the days she says she is. Maybe she is simply allergic to work. Despite this, work is a welcome distraction; although I'm ready to be at home and getting things ready for the baby, I'm happy to be working as it keeps me busy. I suspect with hours of time on my hands, the small nagging fears of loss will overwhelm me.
A very good friend of mine and I will be taking baking classes at Michael's. We are so excited!! In a previous class, we learned how to frost a cake and make fancy cake designs. I still have not mastered the art of frosting but I'm working on it. Perhaps I'll have it perfected in time for my baby's first birthday :)
In other news, work continues to be both a nuisance and a welcome distraction. A nuisance because a few people on my team really need to move on; some have been there too long and are showing clear signs of burnout. Another one constantly calls in sick, which is bullshit because according to her Facebook updates, she is clearly not sick on the days she says she is. Maybe she is simply allergic to work. Despite this, work is a welcome distraction; although I'm ready to be at home and getting things ready for the baby, I'm happy to be working as it keeps me busy. I suspect with hours of time on my hands, the small nagging fears of loss will overwhelm me.
A very good friend of mine and I will be taking baking classes at Michael's. We are so excited!! In a previous class, we learned how to frost a cake and make fancy cake designs. I still have not mastered the art of frosting but I'm working on it. Perhaps I'll have it perfected in time for my baby's first birthday :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Hmmm, I think I feel movement...
I'm 23 weeks pregnant today and I think I am finally feeling flutters...FINALLY!! A lot of pregnant women I know felt flutters and/or movement at around 18 - 20 weeks. At 18 weeks, I felt nothing. At 19 weeks, I felt nothing. At 20 weeks, I felt nothing. With my history of loss, I was extremely concerned that I had yet another missed miscarriage. I saw my OB, who found the baby's heartbeat right away and assured me all was well with my pregnancy. I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
For almost a week, I've been feeling little flutters of movement. They feel amazing and wonderous. These little flutters remind me my baby is alive and well. How I love flutters :)
For almost a week, I've been feeling little flutters of movement. They feel amazing and wonderous. These little flutters remind me my baby is alive and well. How I love flutters :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Back from Vacation
S and I are back from the lovely island of St. Maarten. The weather was hot and sunny. The beaches were fantastic, turquoise water as far as you can see. It was wonderful to spend some time with S, just him and me, resting and recharging. We've spent this week at home, looking after a few home projects.
So, you would think after two weeks of vacation, I'd be ready to go back to work. Wrong! While I enjoy my work, the dynamics on my team are bizarre, conflicted and confusing, making for a toxic environment. Of course, leaving is not an option because I'm pregnant so, I have been creative about making myself scarce. The good news is, the light at the end of the tunnel is near. My last day of work is December 31st, I'm using the balance of my vacation time starting next January and I start my maternity leave on January 17/11. So, all I have to do is make it to the end of this year.
In other news, I had an OB appointment yesterday. All is looking good with the baby :) I am still in shock that I've even gotten this far in a pregnancy. While enjoying the wonderful beaches of St. Maarten, I thought about the incredibly difficult struggle that is infertility, the deep impact it had (and will always have) on me and S and, the way in which infertility significantly tested the bonds my marriage. No one should have to go through infertility or miscarriage; the trauma is indescribable. Yet, here I am, almost 22 weeks pregnant, just over half way through to being a success after infertility. I tell you, it has been a crazy-making journey but here's to emerging on the other side with my sanity intact and with the best reward ever...a happy, healthy baby!
So, you would think after two weeks of vacation, I'd be ready to go back to work. Wrong! While I enjoy my work, the dynamics on my team are bizarre, conflicted and confusing, making for a toxic environment. Of course, leaving is not an option because I'm pregnant so, I have been creative about making myself scarce. The good news is, the light at the end of the tunnel is near. My last day of work is December 31st, I'm using the balance of my vacation time starting next January and I start my maternity leave on January 17/11. So, all I have to do is make it to the end of this year.
In other news, I had an OB appointment yesterday. All is looking good with the baby :) I am still in shock that I've even gotten this far in a pregnancy. While enjoying the wonderful beaches of St. Maarten, I thought about the incredibly difficult struggle that is infertility, the deep impact it had (and will always have) on me and S and, the way in which infertility significantly tested the bonds my marriage. No one should have to go through infertility or miscarriage; the trauma is indescribable. Yet, here I am, almost 22 weeks pregnant, just over half way through to being a success after infertility. I tell you, it has been a crazy-making journey but here's to emerging on the other side with my sanity intact and with the best reward ever...a happy, healthy baby!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
An apology and long update
Readers, I owe you a sincere apology. I have not updated my blog in months and yes, I've been a bad blogger. So far, the summer has been extremely eventful and full of surprises. And with that, here is my update.
I finally graduated with my degree in social work...YAY!!! As I was doing this program part-time, it took me a long time to get to the end of the road. So relieved to be finished! I got a letter from my university, congratulating me on making the dean's list; it was wonderful to get such great news. I'm applying to do my master's but certainly need a break from school for now.
In other news, S and I booked a trip to St. Maarten! We are leaving for a week on September 3rd. I can't wait warm my toes in the sand and run around on the beach! A vacation is just what we need and we are definitely excited.
My niece and nephew are getting to big! My niece, Savanna, is crawling now and she is so fast! She is doing a great job of using the couch to pull herself up and can take about 3 or 4 steps before landing on her tush :) She is so amazing. My nephew, Ian, is only 2 months old and growing up so fast. He discovers new things every day and seems amazed by the world around him. I'm having issues with them growing up so quickly...gah!
As you know, S and I decided to move on from TTC. Here is a brief recap of my infertility struggle. S and I have been TTC #1 since September 2005. We tried on our own for a year, which resulted in 3 heartbreaking losses. We started seeing a RE in January 2007. A lap in December 2008 revealed endo. By July 2009, I experienced 4 more devastating losses; clomid, injectables, blood thinners and tons of testing couldn't make my body carry a pregnancy to term. After back-to-back losses last year, S and I took a break for the rest of the year to recuperate and save for IVF w/ PGD. We decided to do one IVF only because we didn't think we could go on for much longer. Living in the trenches of infertility is hell on earth and we were nearing our breaking point.
In March 2010, we cycled for IVF and started to feel excited, even hopeful. We were devastated when the cycle ended in a BFN. At our WTF appointment, my RE said our issues are two-fold, (1) I have poor egg quality and, (2) my body's ability to detect abnormalities is compromised (which is why my body allows pregnancies to happen with bad eggs) so, each time I get pregnant, it ends in loss. This was his best educated guess as to why I keep having recurrent losses. His suggestion was DE. Emotionally exhausted, physically drained and hanging onto a few shreds of sanity, S and I made the choice to stop TTC and live childfree. Suffering from the battle scars of 4 1/2 years of infertility and miscarriage, we were ready to pursue new adventures in life. And of course that is when fate (or whatever) chose to play with us.
When AF was late the cycle right after our disastrous IVF cycle, I nervously tested and honestly, that had to be the longest 3 minutes of my life. I was terrified I was pregnant because based on my history, pregnancy simply does not end well for me. I looked at the test and saw the word "pregnant" staring back at me. I immediately started to cry and these were not tears of joy. You would think I would have been over the moon to see a BFP but all I could see was another loss waiting to happen. To say I have been living with my stomach in knots since seeing that BFP is an understatement; the agony of going through an ultrasound, waiting to hear if there is a heartbeat or not...it is torture. I've never been able to get past 9 weeks and at every u/s, I was terrified. 9 weeks went by, then 10 weeks, then 11 weeks and finally, 12 weeks - weekly u/s' showed my little one growing nicely :)
After my IPS scan, I was discharged from my clinic to the care of my OB. The first time I went to my OB's office, I felt like I was finally let into an elite club. I sat in her office, in total disbelief. I honestly never thought I would make it to an OB. And yet, there I was, receiving a package of pregnancy information with my name on it...my name!!!
Today, I am 4 months pregnant and due in mid-January. Although things are progressing well, S and I remain cautiously excited. We are extremely aware that the bottom could fall out at any time. We are taking it one step at a time and taking deep breaths along the way. So, for today, I am pregnant and I love, love, love my baby. And I promise to be a better blogger :)
I finally graduated with my degree in social work...YAY!!! As I was doing this program part-time, it took me a long time to get to the end of the road. So relieved to be finished! I got a letter from my university, congratulating me on making the dean's list; it was wonderful to get such great news. I'm applying to do my master's but certainly need a break from school for now.
In other news, S and I booked a trip to St. Maarten! We are leaving for a week on September 3rd. I can't wait warm my toes in the sand and run around on the beach! A vacation is just what we need and we are definitely excited.
My niece and nephew are getting to big! My niece, Savanna, is crawling now and she is so fast! She is doing a great job of using the couch to pull herself up and can take about 3 or 4 steps before landing on her tush :) She is so amazing. My nephew, Ian, is only 2 months old and growing up so fast. He discovers new things every day and seems amazed by the world around him. I'm having issues with them growing up so quickly...gah!
As you know, S and I decided to move on from TTC. Here is a brief recap of my infertility struggle. S and I have been TTC #1 since September 2005. We tried on our own for a year, which resulted in 3 heartbreaking losses. We started seeing a RE in January 2007. A lap in December 2008 revealed endo. By July 2009, I experienced 4 more devastating losses; clomid, injectables, blood thinners and tons of testing couldn't make my body carry a pregnancy to term. After back-to-back losses last year, S and I took a break for the rest of the year to recuperate and save for IVF w/ PGD. We decided to do one IVF only because we didn't think we could go on for much longer. Living in the trenches of infertility is hell on earth and we were nearing our breaking point.
In March 2010, we cycled for IVF and started to feel excited, even hopeful. We were devastated when the cycle ended in a BFN. At our WTF appointment, my RE said our issues are two-fold, (1) I have poor egg quality and, (2) my body's ability to detect abnormalities is compromised (which is why my body allows pregnancies to happen with bad eggs) so, each time I get pregnant, it ends in loss. This was his best educated guess as to why I keep having recurrent losses. His suggestion was DE. Emotionally exhausted, physically drained and hanging onto a few shreds of sanity, S and I made the choice to stop TTC and live childfree. Suffering from the battle scars of 4 1/2 years of infertility and miscarriage, we were ready to pursue new adventures in life. And of course that is when fate (or whatever) chose to play with us.
When AF was late the cycle right after our disastrous IVF cycle, I nervously tested and honestly, that had to be the longest 3 minutes of my life. I was terrified I was pregnant because based on my history, pregnancy simply does not end well for me. I looked at the test and saw the word "pregnant" staring back at me. I immediately started to cry and these were not tears of joy. You would think I would have been over the moon to see a BFP but all I could see was another loss waiting to happen. To say I have been living with my stomach in knots since seeing that BFP is an understatement; the agony of going through an ultrasound, waiting to hear if there is a heartbeat or not...it is torture. I've never been able to get past 9 weeks and at every u/s, I was terrified. 9 weeks went by, then 10 weeks, then 11 weeks and finally, 12 weeks - weekly u/s' showed my little one growing nicely :)
After my IPS scan, I was discharged from my clinic to the care of my OB. The first time I went to my OB's office, I felt like I was finally let into an elite club. I sat in her office, in total disbelief. I honestly never thought I would make it to an OB. And yet, there I was, receiving a package of pregnancy information with my name on it...my name!!!
Today, I am 4 months pregnant and due in mid-January. Although things are progressing well, S and I remain cautiously excited. We are extremely aware that the bottom could fall out at any time. We are taking it one step at a time and taking deep breaths along the way. So, for today, I am pregnant and I love, love, love my baby. And I promise to be a better blogger :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
More breathing
I had my first appointment yesterday with my new infertility therapist. As usual, I was running late and of course, starving. I stopped to get a fast lunch. I hopped back in my car and scarfed down a chicken shawarma. By the time I made it to her office, I was feeling rushed and I was sweaty...so gross! When I walked into her office, I heard calming nature sounds of waves breaking on sand, birds chirping, wind blowing through trees. The office smelled like incense and as I took a seat in the waiting room, I felt a lot less frazzled.
I spilled my guts and my therapist listened intently to everything I was saying. She validated all my feelings and highlighted the strengths she saw in me. She said I was a lovely woman and said it takes all kinds of stamina to endure what I've endured. I gotta say, I left her office feeling pretty powerful :) For the first time in my TTC journey, I felt powerful! For all of us going through IF, feelings of powerlessness dominate us. It is a terrible thing to feel like your body can't do what is seemingly so easy for other women to do. I've spent all of my TTC journey feeling totally useless so, to feel powerful was a very pleasant surprise.
Now that I'm finished school (will be graduating in the fall), I definitely need another project. So, I'm launching a full-scale attack on the extra 40 pounds I'm carrying. To that end, I'm resuming my daily running routine and looking into buying free weights. I solemnly swear I am NOT spending another summer being overweight! This weekend, I'm buying a goal dress and a goal bikini. My DH suggested taking before and after pictures; much as I don't want before pictures, they may be helpful when I hit the inevitable weight loss plateau.
I have to say, since I'm not consumed with TTC, it feels like I have more room in my brain for other things and that is a lovely feeling. Breathe in, breathe out.
I spilled my guts and my therapist listened intently to everything I was saying. She validated all my feelings and highlighted the strengths she saw in me. She said I was a lovely woman and said it takes all kinds of stamina to endure what I've endured. I gotta say, I left her office feeling pretty powerful :) For the first time in my TTC journey, I felt powerful! For all of us going through IF, feelings of powerlessness dominate us. It is a terrible thing to feel like your body can't do what is seemingly so easy for other women to do. I've spent all of my TTC journey feeling totally useless so, to feel powerful was a very pleasant surprise.
Now that I'm finished school (will be graduating in the fall), I definitely need another project. So, I'm launching a full-scale attack on the extra 40 pounds I'm carrying. To that end, I'm resuming my daily running routine and looking into buying free weights. I solemnly swear I am NOT spending another summer being overweight! This weekend, I'm buying a goal dress and a goal bikini. My DH suggested taking before and after pictures; much as I don't want before pictures, they may be helpful when I hit the inevitable weight loss plateau.
I have to say, since I'm not consumed with TTC, it feels like I have more room in my brain for other things and that is a lovely feeling. Breathe in, breathe out.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Breathe
Well, this week has certainly been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I went from shock and numb to downright angry and extreme sadness. Today, I'm feeling a little more grounded.
I had a conversation with one of my oldest friends about my decision to stop TTC. She said she loved me and thinks I am the strongest person she knows (G, I love you too!). She also said she was very sad for me because she always saw me as a mother. I was surprised because I never wanted kids until my early 30's. Even when I got married, I thought that was the last adult thing I was going to do. When I was first married, I was in bliss, enjoying married life and did not feel I needed kids to complete our family. I was perfectly happy with my life, just me and my fabulous DH. I really want to get back to that place of happiness. I don't see moving on from TTC as giving up, I see it making a choice to find other sources of happiness.
And here's the thing. As painful as it was to get that fateful BFN phone call, I really feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. To say that living in the emotional space of infertility and miscarriage is extremely hard does not even cover it. The uncertainty of whether or not infertility treatments will work has left me completely drained. And I simply can't live like that any longer. All of us who are going through infertility have a breaking point; I definitely crossed my personal threshold with the phone call about my negative beta. I'm realistic enough to realize that I will have bad days, probably lots of bad days; I'm sure a baby's cry or laugh, seeing a pregnant woman, or attending the birthdays of my niece and soon-to-be-here nephew will sting. I'm just saying I believe it will get better and that brighter days must be ahead for me and my DH; I mean, it has to, right?
On Friday night, two of my girlfriends came over to my place. We ate pizza, tiramisu and drank sangria. We talked about work, our plans for the summer and all the other things going on in our lives. And guess what? I laughed...a lot! It felt wonderful to think and talk about things not related to TTC. I had a great night, thank you so much M and K :)
I don't know what my life holds for me and today, I'm hopeful for my future. Breathe in, breathe out.
I had a conversation with one of my oldest friends about my decision to stop TTC. She said she loved me and thinks I am the strongest person she knows (G, I love you too!). She also said she was very sad for me because she always saw me as a mother. I was surprised because I never wanted kids until my early 30's. Even when I got married, I thought that was the last adult thing I was going to do. When I was first married, I was in bliss, enjoying married life and did not feel I needed kids to complete our family. I was perfectly happy with my life, just me and my fabulous DH. I really want to get back to that place of happiness. I don't see moving on from TTC as giving up, I see it making a choice to find other sources of happiness.
And here's the thing. As painful as it was to get that fateful BFN phone call, I really feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. To say that living in the emotional space of infertility and miscarriage is extremely hard does not even cover it. The uncertainty of whether or not infertility treatments will work has left me completely drained. And I simply can't live like that any longer. All of us who are going through infertility have a breaking point; I definitely crossed my personal threshold with the phone call about my negative beta. I'm realistic enough to realize that I will have bad days, probably lots of bad days; I'm sure a baby's cry or laugh, seeing a pregnant woman, or attending the birthdays of my niece and soon-to-be-here nephew will sting. I'm just saying I believe it will get better and that brighter days must be ahead for me and my DH; I mean, it has to, right?
On Friday night, two of my girlfriends came over to my place. We ate pizza, tiramisu and drank sangria. We talked about work, our plans for the summer and all the other things going on in our lives. And guess what? I laughed...a lot! It felt wonderful to think and talk about things not related to TTC. I had a great night, thank you so much M and K :)
I don't know what my life holds for me and today, I'm hopeful for my future. Breathe in, breathe out.
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